Feedback (Un)Focused

Feedback on story writing is something that I always struggle with. I get so caught up in the amazing stories that people have written and the intense imagination that the authors have that I forget that I’m supposed to be critiquing their stories.  The only thing that has ever truly stood out for me is grammar problems, but I was a newspaper editor in high school and I excelled at English (maybe not anymore) so it comes naturally to me. 

DELETE!!!

 Of these three techniques, I think the best one to me is the Copy-and-Delete technique. It makes me focus on the story in bits which really helps my ability to give feedback.  I can look at this section and see if there are any useless bits or parts that could be expanded on, and then relate it to the previous comments that I have written to see if my questions have been answered from previous sections.

Personally, I always try to read a story at least twice.  The first time, I read it through for my own personal enjoyment.  I can get into the story and envision it and just revel in the imagination.  Then I reread it for grammar mistakes and other storytelling flaws or tweaks that could make the story better.  Reading stories out loud has never worked for me because I tune myself out.  Like, I’m actively reading the story out loud and not listening to a word I’m saying.  It’s a real problem. 

Image Info: Cyberman. Source: Wikimedia Commons

Story: The Power of Sita

It felt like I’d spent years sitting in that grove of trees waiting for Rama. I know it had at least been a few months since Ravan believed he kidnapped me and took me to that stupid island. Everyone always told me that islands were fun and full of sun and cocktails, but not that island.  Well, not for me anyway. All I did was sit in a stupid grove and wait for Ravan to come with his horde of demon-women to make another proposition to me.  Honestly, any woman, demon or human, stupid enough to say yes to this ridiculous man deserved everything they had coming when my Rama finally showed up. 

Now, I’m sure you’re thinking, ‘well you’re the one who got kidnapped for being stupid and won’t even try to free yourself, so you deserve this situation too!’  That’s where you’re wrong.  I actually chose to be here.  You see, it was my destiny.  When I was a young girl, the gods came to me and told me that I would marry a man who was destined to save the world from the evil Ravan.  They told me that the man would be exiled from his home and that I would have to go with him.  They told me that there would be trials along the way, some involving me, that would test his strength and resilience so they would know when he was ready to face Ravan.  They told me that I would have to essentially orchestrate my own kidnapping by Ravan so that Rama would come to rescue me and finally vanquish the demon. Just before they left, they gave me certain powers that would ensure that I could follow these directions without getting myself killed in the process.  They gave me powers of persuasion and knowledge of how to defend myself, should the need arise. 

 Anyway, so there I was, sitting on my bench in the grove, when Ravan came walking through the gate yet again.  In that squeaky, annoying little voice of his he said, “Once again, lady, I ask you if you will become my queen.”  Why the most powerful of all the demons has such a pathetic voice is beyond me. 

Just like every other time he had come to me, I simply replied “Never.”  Like usual, he tried to convince me that, even though I would be one of a hundred women in his harem, I would be his ‘queen above all his other queens’. How pathetic does that sound? ‘Sure, I’ll become your queen if I’m above all these other women, but you’ll still go around sleeping with them.’  Think again!

However, after our usual little exchange, he finally surprised me.  He told me that Rama would not come to save me because I was going to die.  To be honest, the threat itself wasn’t really what surprised me.  It was just the fact that he actually had the balls to say it to my face.  Not to mention, I didn’t think he would want to get his little manicured hands dirty with the blood of a woman.  But hey, to each their own right? He even went to the effort of raising his blue-steel scimitar, ‘preparing’ to kill me, like he ever could. 

With as much sarcasm and derogation as I could muster, and I could muster a lot at this point, I said, “Yes Ravan, kill me and rid me of my sorrow.” The sorrow of having to look at his ugly face every day.  Just to be safe, I broke out those powers of persuasion that the gods had given me.  To be honest, it was the first time that I’d ever really used them.  I’d always been able to get out of the tricky situations myself before, but I needed to be sure this time.  I let the power rise in me, and he immediately lowered his weapon and walked away muttering.  And they say women are the weaker sex.  I hadn’t even used a fraction of the power that the gods had given me.  It had taken more effort to get Rama to chase after that damn golden deer that had led to this mess in the first place…

Author’s Note:

I chose to rewrite a very small part of The Divine Archer’s Section VII.  The part is less than a page long and is simply telling of when Hanuman found Sita in the asoka tree grove and witnessed Ravan coming in to ask her to be his queen yet again.  When she defies him and he threatens to kill her, it says she stays his hand with the ‘power in her eyes’.  I thought it would be fun to give Sita more control and power in this version of the Ramayana.  She’s kind of just a background player throughout the epic, just being the reason for certain things happening or an accent to the story line. I wanted to have Sita have a significant role in Rama’s destiny, so I made it so she basically orchestrates it.  The gods tell her how it’s supposed to go down, but she uses her wits and skills to ensure everything goes as planned.  I also thought that even though she was given these powers by the gods, that it would be cooler if she had never really needed to use them.  She’s just that good. 

Bibliography: F.J. Gould, The Divine Archer, link

Image Information: Ravana and Sita. Source: Wikimedia Commons. 

Reading Notes: The Divine Archer, Part B

With this half of Gould’s version of the Ramayana, I actually enjoyed the Public Domain edition better.  Certain scenes had better details in the PDE version, such as when Hanuman is jumping/flying to Ravan’s island. 

There was one part of the story that really caught my eye in Gould’s version, however.  When Hanuman is in Ravan’s city and finds Sita, Ravan comes in.  He’s asking Sita to become his queen yet again, but still she refuses.  When he says he will kill her, she basically says fine, but it was the next sentence that intrigued me.  It says, “But there was power in her eyes that held his hand.” It was the first instance in all of the Ramayana that I have read so far in which it says that Sita had power.  Throughout the epic, she is portrayed as the meek woman who is defined by her husband, and yet this time it said she had power.  It may just be the power of a woman waiting for her husband and taking control of her fate, but still.  

Sita and Hanuman. Source: IE: Reading Guides

Bibliography: F.J. Gould, The Divine Archer, link.

Reading Notes: The Divine Archer, Part A

I really liked this version of the Ramayana and kind of wished it had been the one that I read first.  Since I have already read the story, I didn’t get to fully appreciate this version.  I kind of started to skim and was annoyed by all the details.  Usually, I like the details that help me envision what is going on, but since I just finished reading the Ramayana, I just wasn’t getting into it.  Overall, I definitely appreciated and preferred this telling of the story.

I did like getting more elaboration on the celestial weapons that Rama was given and on how the battle in the forest went.  I think it could be fun to rewrite the portion about Sita being rude to Lakshmana.  Maybe she’s the one trying to get rid of Rama and his brother!

If I had the choice, I would have read this version of the Ramayana first, and then read a poetry version.  That way, I would have known what the story was, but could have gotten the more dramatic language and whatnot while still having a strong understanding of the story that was being told. 

Parashurma. 

Source: Indian Epics: Reading Guides.

Bibliography: F.J. Gould, The Divine Archer, link. 

Reading Notes: The Divine Archer, Part A

I really liked this version of the Ramayana and kind of wished it had been the one that I read first.  Since I have already read the story, I didn’t get to fully appreciate this version.  I kind of started to skim and was annoyed by all the details.  Usually, I like the details that help me envision what is going on, but since I just finished reading the Ramayana, I just wasn’t getting into it.  Overall, I definitely appreciated and preferred this telling of the story.

I did like getting more elaboration on the celestial weapons that Rama was given and on how the battle in the forest went.  I think it could be fun to rewrite the portion about Sita being rude to Lakshmana.  Maybe she’s the one trying to get rid of Rama and his brother!

If I had the choice, I would have read this version of the Ramayana first, and then read a poetry version.  That way, I would have known what the story was, but could have gotten the more dramatic language and whatnot while still having a strong understanding of the story that was being told. 

Parashurma. 

Source: Indian Epics: Reading Guides.

Bibliography: F.J. Gould, The Divine Archer, link.